Recently the subject of guys and breakups came up and Sabrina and I went back and forth about what guys generally go through when they breakup.
Breakups are hard on all guys. Simple enough to say, but I know plenty of women will talk about how some guy came off like an insensitive jackass after the relationship fell apart because of his actions post-breakup. If a guy is profoundly obnoxious or terrible after a breakup, it is most often a testament to how rough the breakup was on him. Some people cope by lashing out.
Jerry Seinfeld once said that breaking up a relationship needs to be like taking off a Band-aid — One motion: In the same regard, when a relationship ends, it is much much harder for a guy to go back and discuss and revisit and talk through and explain, etc.
In fact, guys like to keep their emotional spectrum focused on a tight range of emotions — somewhere between amusement and contentedness. Personally, I have had breakups where I pretty much went cold. I wanted her to be He broke up with me is he hurting too, I wanted good things for her in life, but I knew that nothing was going to make the situation better.
No discussion was going to fix things, no clarity was to be had — it would have just been an emotional toilet for both of us. I realize it probably came off jerky, but when I cut off communication, my heart is in the right place. When he jumps into another relationship, he can get a dose of external female validation and derive a feeling of false sense of self-esteem and self-worth from her positive attention.
It has its cost though and eventually devolves into a crippling neediness. That is to say, he seeks his feeling of validation and worth from how a woman treats him.
When a person male or female realizes that only they themselves can be responsible for their emotions, actions, and reactions… they break the chain of seeking a sense of OK-ness externally. When we believe something that is out He broke up with me is he hurting too alignment with reality, we suffer….
To wrap up this point: Every guy has a set of core values for who he is, what he stands for, and what he really wants out of life. Sometimes in a relationship, a guy will really, really love a girl and may start to compromise these core values. Maybe he changes his lifestyle, stops hanging out with certain friends, or changes his habits. It seems innocent enough, but over time the guy begins to starve for whatever it was he got from the things he gave up.
It changes the guy and, in turn, changes the relationship.